I had never really been enthusiastic about resolutions before that, and haven't been since. Until now.
A few days ago on Instagram I revealed my resolutions. Essentially, I want to respect the artistic gifts God has given me by honing my craft and expanding my creative universe. I'm going to buy higher quality supplies and I'm going to attempt to "sell my wares" at an art/craft show.
I didn't hesitate. But I did overanalyze it after it was posted. Had I been too easy on myself? Shouldn't a resolution be something that takes hard work and can change your life? And then, of course, I realized that to one person it might be easy to simply buy more expensive supplies or sell products, but to me it's part of a larger challenge.
So I decided to join another bandwagon--I chose a word for my year.
It's almost ludicrous that I haven't done this in prior years. I love words so much and yet I've never taken the time to choose one to cling to for an entire 365-day-period. Perhaps it's because I love a lot of words and so choosing just one is a challenge all by itself.
But I did it. And I chose the word "steady."
It's not fancy. I could have chosen something bold and worthy of a social media following like "illuminate" or "cultivation" or "unveiled." But I don't want to be, do, or have... any of those words.
I want to be steady.
There were mountains of synonyms which also deserved some attention before I made a final decision. But when it came down to the wire, I already knew I was faithful and loyal and responsible. And I don't want to be unchanging, or immovable, or simply dependable. And I thought about choosing "steadfast" instead of "steady," but the truth is that steadfastness is something that mainly benefits other people. It doesn't necessarily benefit me or change me.
Being steady is something I've wanted but haven't had the words for, until now. A little over two years ago I began the journey of being medicated for my anxiety and depression, and up until that point the thought of being steady wasn't even on the horizon for me. A close friend once told me, "I like the way you carry yourself. You're so steady." And it didn't feel true at the time, but it haunted me...
I might appear steady. I might "carry myself" steadily. I give the illusion that I am certain about where I'm going or what I'm doing. Other people saw me as steady and that was good for them, but it wasn't very good for me because it wasn't real for me.
I don't want to just carry myself steadily. I don't want it to just be visible to others.
I want to feel it on the inside too!
Attaching myself to this word, this feeling, hasn't taken very much time. I'm a woman of words, and once I like a word I don't soon forget it. I chose Merriam-Webster's first definition:
"Direct or sure in movement."
This gives me a little bit of freedom. I don't have to be immovable or unchanging. I get to continue in the parts of myself that I love, and that other people love--the fact that I adapt to new situations quickly and don't struggle too much with transitions. It also gives me a new sense of purpose, that if I do move, if I am changing, it must be intentional. I'm going to try to cast off my tendency to be reactionary or impulsive, which comes from a place of anxiety or fear. I'm going to move with certainty. With direction. I'm going to be sure.
And so there you have it. My goals for the year. My word for the year.
I can't promise to write here more often, but I'm positive I'll be back to National Poetry Month in April. Some things never change. ;)
Happy New Year, ya'll.