Thursday, March 7, 2013

A retrospective thought on weddings

You know what's awesome about getting married? I mean, other than having an extravagant, expensive party, seeing most of your friends in one place, marrying the love of your life, and going on an incredible vacation, there's just one awesome thing left. Presents! I have thought long (but not hard) about the complicated dance of wedding gifts, as it was an arduous process for me. Initially I felt very upset about what I have to say, and left this blog in draft-form for many months. I couldn't bring myself to voice my complaints, because they seemed invalid. However, I have since changed my tune a bit and hope that this story will come across as humorous and not cynical or ungrateful or--dare I say it--whiny.

With that disclaimer out of the way, I'll start with a sort of story. A year and a half ago as our wedding quickly approached, gifts because to slowly trickle into the house. The first wedding gift was from an old family friend: a homemade blanket. She didn't make it herself, but she wanted to give us something homemade, so she paid a friend to do it. It was a very thoughtful gift, and this blanket is kept on the couch. I snuggle in it at least once a day, and am often reminded of the genuine kindness that went into the choosing of the gift.

I don't remember what gift came next, unfortunately, because the next time I got one it was probably at a bridal shower with twenty other gifts. However, I do remember one thing: the sudden discomfort of getting something I not only didn't ask for (nbd) but something I definitely did not want. I won't say what it was. But  it was just... not a good wedding present. It probably would have been more suited for a graduation. And no, if you are reading this blog, it was not a gift from you.

If our wedding had been under more normal circumstances, this would not have bothered me. I've gotten unwanted/unusual gifts before and I usually keep them anyway, just to remember a person by. Even if I don't treasure the gift, I still find a use for it. They don't cause any trouble or inconvenience. They don't upset me, usually. They don't make me frustrated usually.

However, Joey and I moved across the United States not even a month after our wedding, and everything we owned had to fit IN THE CAR.  The only furniture we took with us was our mattress. Not a bed, but a futon mattress, folded in half inside a tarp which was duct taped closed, and strapped to the roof of the car. (for the record, the wind ripped apart the tarp, and then it rained a lot, so when we got to Illinois the futon was soaked.) I would like you to imagine this for a minute. Traveling to a new home with just a mattress. Nothing to eat on. No coffee table. No coffee maker even. No couch. No chairs of any kind.

Knowing that this was the plan, we specifically asked for gift cards, and if people wanted to send gifts we gave them the address of where we would be living. We planned ahead. We gave our guests options. We filled out registries at three stores, since many people like giving an actual gift anyways. Two bridal showers came and went, a few gifts were sent in the mail, and for a while this seemed fine. I received gifts I probably didn't want, but I had not realized the chaos which was to unfold.

Until after the wedding. Until it came time to start packing. Until I needed to begin writing thank you cards.

Typically in a thank you card I would write about how lovely the gift was, and how we had put it to use. Or, how we would eventually put it to use. "Thank you for the matching coffee mugs, they're almost too pretty to drink out of!" "Thank you so much for the gift card, we used it on our honeymoon!" Later, more cards were written once we'd moved. "Thank you for the gift card, we bought a coffee pot with it! You know how much this means to us." or "Thank you for the check, it has been very helpful while moving into our new place!"

I came upon a problem, a delicate and complex thing, when we'd gotten gifts that we definitely couldn't take with us. Only the essentials were coming. An old, dear friend had given us a beautiful hand-blown vase from an art museum--something I loved before I even finished unwrapping the pretty box it was in--and for fear of breaking it, it stayed in Washington, in the box. Thankfully the gift was wonderful enough that I could express my thanks for it without explaining that I wouldn't be taking it with me.

However, there is something tiring and painfully practical about taking only the essentials. Coffee cups, books, blankets. The person who bought us dishes had them shipped to our new address. I left all of my journals behind, notebooks, all of my photo albums. I had one box to put arts and craft supplies in--and if you know me, you can imagine how difficult it was. We had to make the trip in three days or less, and all our food had to fit in one small lunchbox. (It was smaller than the average backpack.) I was weary of deciding which belongings were necessary, and which ones had to be left behind. After the move, I was weary of writing thank-you cards for items that I could no longer recall the color of.

So what do you write in a thank-you card to someone who gives you a large, oddly shaped, empty picture frame? How do you tell them that you'll love hanging it up, knowing that it's a lie? How do you explain that you can't wait to put wedding pictures in it, put it up on the wall, etc. when you know that it's sitting in a closet gathering dust? How do you politely not say, "I didn't ask for this gift, just the card would have been lovely, but thanks for adding to the depressing pile of stuff I couldn't take with me!"

Or what about the cookbooks? Oh, we received a multitude of cookbooks. A vast array. A plethora. Alright.... just dozens. But of those dozens, approximately three of them proved to be useful, or even thoughtful. We did not ask for any cookbooks. There was only one cookbook I desired, I forgot to register for it, and my mother bought it for me after the wedding because she knew how much I wanted it.

But all of that is not the real point. I don't want to make people feel awful for buying wedding gifts. The average married couple moves away with more packing space than just the interior of a two-door sedan. I did express multiple times that we were moving, but I'm not disappointed that people forgot. Mostly I'm just disappointed at the amount of stuff I had to leave behind, and the large pile of thank-you cards I had to write for gifts that were 3000 miles away.

Here I am, a year and a half later, and I still miss that beautiful vase, and that picture frame. I also miss the framed picture than was signed at our wedding (it was also a gift from a friend.) My parents have since moved and therefore all of my stuff went with them. In my memory all of the gifts I left behind were placed in a box that I would one day return to, but I could not tell you now what shape those gifts are in, and I do not know when I will be reunited with them.

So here's my ending statement: I am sorry for my attitude about unwanted gifts, and sorry that some of my most treasured wedding presents are far away in boxes, unappreciated.

In addition, a word of caution: When you're buying/making wedding gifts for your friends, don't give people awkwardly shaped or unusually large gifts unless they were explicitly asked/registered for, then it's their fault, not yours, if they can't move it or fit it into their tiny apartment. Just sayin'.

No comments:

Post a Comment