On words and writing.

I have heard once in a quote somewhere, its origin I cannot I remember, that real writers are scared to death of being a writer, and that it's the fake writers who are wildly self-confident and sure of themselves. However, I believe there is a bit of both in the former and the latter.

I have my moments of wild self-confidence. I was once applauded in a creative writing seminar, and I thought to myself, "Alright. I'll only write stories with endings that are almost cliffhangers, and almost totally miserable, and a little open-ended. That's the key to my success."

And then, as mentioned previously, I've hit a dry spell in the last few months, as far as writing goes, and this semester is at fault. I have a lot of reading to do, and no classes on teaching. So the part of me that loves teaching is asleep. And the part of me that loves literature is being bashed over the head with books that I definitely do not want to read (80% of the time.)

But I have come to a conclusion about myself. I know that someday, in some distant world where I don't have homework and I'm on a summer break from my glamorous teaching job, I will publish a book. I don't know if it will be poetry, or a compilation of short stories, or if someone will actually take interest in my 7-novel series and get me a contract. But someday, it will happen--but not because I think I have the most important thing to say.

My hope is not that everyone will think I am an important person with perfect things to say. My hope is that someone will find my words to have an important meaning, and that by those words, they find something important and meaningful in themselves, or in their lives, or in some decision about to be made. What I have to say won't mean anything to a lot of people, but I hope it means something to someone. It will at least mean something to me, to have been published, to have fulfilled a lifelong (albeit so far a short life) dream.

I know it will be a long time from now. I know that I will set aside that dream to be a good wife, and to have babies and be a good mother, but I have held onto this dream for over ten years now. It's not going away.