Monday, November 8, 2010

what the heart wants

16 days until Thanksgiving break. 36 days until I head home for Christmas. 46 days till Christmas actually happens. 228 days until I get married.

Time has always confused me. I've always had an older voice in my head, speaking from the future like a saint or some strange progressive conscience. I've never been able to live in the moment. I keep pushing forward, wanting to get there as fast as I can so that I can start waiting for something else and count down the days for something better, more exciting.

And like the future pulls me into motion one way, the past pulls me in the other direction.

I knew this day was coming. See... sometimes you find these "perfect" people and you get wrapped up in them and think you can share in their happiness, maybe even be their happiness. Then the inevitable happens and you have to let them go and then... then what? Then what do we all do, looking back at those shadows and ghosts, holding shaking hands over healing wounds or ugly scars, turning our heads this way and that just to get a glimpse of what their lives are like without us.

We get jealous. I get jealous.

I am the happiest person on earth. I am deeply in love with and deeply loved by a wonderful man. I am pushing myself more than I ever have, I am working hard, I am busy, I have good friends and a good family, I have a bright and promising future just waiting around the corner. My health is currently at its worst, but that's another story. So what exactly am I jealous of? What am I looking for?

I will never know. But I knew this day would come. I knew that this person would find their spark, their piece of happiness, and I knew that when I witnessed it and saw it and understood the fullness of it I would lash out like the angry animal my heart often seems to be and I would get jealous of a happiness that--in all honesty--probably couldn't hold a candle to mine.

My happiness is not in a giant rock on my finger, or years of working with prestigious people, or wealthy parents and uninhibited vacations, or being a "hipster", or experiencing fame, or being protected from any painful or eye-opening circumstances.

I knew this day would come. And I don't know why it bothers me so much, but it does. And I just want to say this here, for the world to see, that I love my life, and I love the person (and the people) in my life, but I will also admit that one of the only things holding me up right now is that I found happiness first.

That's right. I said it. I found it first.

(congrats on catching up!)

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