Wednesday, September 8, 2010

the jitters

Inside my head there's an ongoing story being told by an older version of myself. This older version is not much older, mind you. She is probably 25 and has done all the things that I aspire to do. She's gotten her degree--complete with a semester of student-teaching overseas. She's married, and is teaching in some meaningful location while living a meaningful life with her husband--who also finished his AA and then got a full-ride scholarship to get his BA.

This woman tells me that it's going to be alright. She tells me that in two years the sun still rises every morning and sets every night. She says that I will never cease to find enlightenment in a cup of coffee and that my love for Joseph will not falter after the wedding, even if his jerk brother says some jerk thing at the reception and a chaotic brawl ensues at the desert bar. And, naturally, she reminds me that teaching is definitely my perfect career choice and my adoration of and obsession with words is a good thing. (really. it is.)

My older self narrates my life with such wisdom that I would never do anything stupid to keep myself from the future that is being dangled in front of me. Right?

Alright, that last part was a let down. I'm not going to reveal some stupid thing I did. I haven't done anything to jeopardize myself or my future. In fact, for the most part, I'm doing pretty good at staying the course and all that jazz.

There's just one problem: I am impatient. In other words, I am restless.

In January when Joey proposed and I gladly said yes, we were both under the impression that we would wait until I graduated to get married, as directed by my father. Well, 8 months have gone by since then and a 2 1/2 year engagement is beginning to feel ludicrous and rather painful.

So there's the impatient part. But everyone is impatient, so why is that a big deal?

That's where the restlessness comes in.

I can't sit STILL.

I went to the financial aid office to see how my tuition costs would change if I got married. (they would be better! haha.) I've been looking into overseas programs with the same mad speed that a rabbit... well, you know rabbits. And at every spare moment Joey and I have been yabbering about ways to convince my parents to let us get married next summer. (so far it isn't working.) I also added another class when I got to school, joined a new church and a new prayer group and started up in Yearbook (finally!) and made new friends and scheduled meal dates with professors and ordered the New York Times and I'm looking for jobs and looking for photo opportunities and went to three thrift stores.

Seriously. I'm usually a pretty chill person. Sit down, read a book, drink some tea. I think having a car at school this year is going to kill me because it just sits in the parking lot, looking cute and forlorn. Side note: it's not even my car. I had to TOTAL my car this summer. I hit no one but myself, too. Extra disappointing.

So if you're wondering why this post is all over the map it's because my head and my heart are also all over the map. Perhaps in posts to come I will elaborate. For now... I remain restless. And in perpetual motion.

Watch out, here I come!

No comments:

Post a Comment