Steady

It's been six years since I did a New Year's resolution. It was my first new year as a married woman, and together my husband and I vowed to brush our teeth more often. It was the silliest of promises. I had been considering it lightly until I found electric toothbrushes on clearance a few days before January 1st, and then I was sure. It was a sign. 

I had never really been enthusiastic about resolutions before that, and haven't been since. Until now.

A few days ago on Instagram I revealed my resolutions. Essentially, I want to respect the artistic gifts God has given me by honing my craft and expanding my creative universe. I'm going to buy higher quality supplies and I'm going to attempt to "sell my wares" at an art/craft show. 

I didn't hesitate. But I did overanalyze it after it was posted. Had I been too easy on myself? Shouldn't a resolution be something that takes hard work and can change your life? And then, of course, I realized that to one person it might be easy to simply buy more expensive supplies or sell products, but to me it's part of a larger challenge.

So I decided to join another bandwagon--I chose a word for my year.

It's almost ludicrous that I haven't done this in prior years. I love words so much and yet I've never taken the time to choose one to cling to for an entire 365-day-period. Perhaps it's because I love a lot of words and so choosing just one is a challenge all by itself.

But I did it. And I chose the word "steady."

It's not fancy. I could have chosen something bold and worthy of a social media following like "illuminate" or "cultivation" or "unveiled." But I don't want to be, do, or have... any of those words.

I want to be steady.

There were mountains of synonyms which also deserved some attention before I made a final decision. But when it came down to the wire, I already knew I was faithful and loyal and responsible. And I don't want to be unchanging, or immovable, or simply dependable. And I thought about choosing "steadfast" instead of "steady," but the truth is that steadfastness is something that mainly benefits other people. It doesn't necessarily benefit me or change me. 

Being steady is something I've wanted but haven't had the words for, until now. A little over two years ago I began the journey of being medicated for my anxiety and depression, and up until that point the thought of being steady wasn't even on the horizon for me. A close friend once told me, "I like the way you carry yourself. You're so steady." And it didn't feel true at the time, but it haunted me...

I might appear steady. I might "carry myself" steadily. I give the illusion that I am certain about where I'm going or what I'm doing. Other people saw me as steady and that was good for them, but it wasn't very good for me because it wasn't real for me.

I don't want to just carry myself steadily. I don't want it to just be visible to others. 

I want to feel it on the inside too!

Attaching myself to this word, this feeling, hasn't taken very much time. I'm a woman of words, and once I like a word I don't soon forget it. I chose Merriam-Webster's first definition: 

"Direct or sure in movement."

This gives me a little bit of freedom. I don't have to be immovable or unchanging. I get to continue in the parts of myself that I love, and that other people love--the fact that I adapt to new situations quickly and don't struggle too much with transitions. It also gives me a new sense of purpose, that if I do move, if I am changing, it must be intentional. I'm going to try to cast off my tendency to be reactionary or impulsive, which comes from a place of anxiety or fear. I'm going to move with certainty. With direction. I'm going to be sure.

And so there you have it. My goals for the year. My word for the year.

I can't promise to write here more often, but I'm positive I'll be back to National Poetry Month in April. Some things never change. ;)

Happy New Year, ya'll. 

NPM 2016: Day 30 {A Shameful Event}

The final day of National Poetry Month has arrived. Thank you all for reading my poems, even if they aren't easily understood or if they seem melodramatic. (Some of them are. Oh well.) While I enjoy sharing my poems with others the process is really an internal, reflective one. It gives me a perspective on myself and the person I have been, the writer I have been, over the last 12 months. Sharing that process with you, whoever you are, takes a great deal of vulnerability. Perhaps in years to come I will explain more. I will describe the context of the poem. I'll tell you who I was then and who I've become and how writing said poem changed me. We'll see.

For now, enjoy the final poem.

A Shameful Event
April 30, 2016

It doesn't matter
that it's happened before,
a perpetual frustration
of artistic endeavor,
a shameful event
that we all somehow
succumb to
in unfocused moments.
But I am resolved.
I have arranged
this sacred space
and settled myself
in the middle
of the chaos,
and no matter what
happened before,
and no matter what
happens next,
I will not
under any circumstance
dip my paintbrush in my tea.

Thanksketching: Day 18

I am thankful for

His undeserved death

and my undeserved life. 

Thanksketching: Day 17

I am thankful for

friendship, 

for snark and sarcasm

and sweet memories.

[Thank you for being a friend.]

Thanksketching: Day 16

I am thankful for

endless dreams among

warm winter snuggles

with the blankets

covering my nose.

Thanksketching: Day 15

I am thankful for

musty pages,

note-filled margins,

for limitless stories,

everything under the sun that

I can hold in my hand.

Thanksketching: Day 14

I am thankful for

the affection,

provision,

and wisdom

of my parents.

Thanksketching: Day 13

I am thankful for

blossoms,

petals,

leaves,

vines,

and

stems.

Thanksketching: Better Late Than Never

I realize it's been just over three months since I wrote a blog post. This isn't because I don't have anything exciting to report. I do. But when you're busy living life you don't always have time to write it down.

So before I dive into the focus of today's title, I'll give a few updates.

1. I went home (to Seattle) to surprise my mother for her 60th birthday. It was a wonderful week filled with coffee and old friends and anxiety, because...
2. My husband got a new job. While I was gone. Yep.
3. I've been working a lot and cleaning a lot. Those aren't really updates, but that's what's up.

And now, an explanation. Thanksketching--I'm sure you're wondering what the heck I could be talking about. Basically, I thought about blogging the "30 Days of Gratitude" stuff that I've done for the last few years, but it's the same things year after year (unless something really fun happens in the middle of November.) I avoided thinking about it simply because I wasn't planning on doing it. And then it hit me--what if I sketched what I was thankful for, instead of just wrote about it?

So here you go. I have done most of the month's drawing already, to stay on top of it (since the month is already almost half over.) The other posts will be back-published, so you can scroll through and see them all. Each post will include a picture and a few carefully chosen words.

Here is today's:

I am thankful for

fuzzy socks,

warm feet,

being cozy.

Thanksketching: Day 11

I am thankful for

those stupid paper dresses

and the stupid glasses on my face

and the stupid drugs I take

provided by health insurance.

Sigh.

Thanksketching: Day 10

I am thankful for

the dangling tag

the steeping bag

of tea.

Thanksketching: Day 9

I am thankful for

roots and seeds

branches and leaves

unfolding 

above and below

into shadowing trees.

Thanksketching: Day 8

I am thankful for

dark theaters or

cozy couches

and stories told

by moving pictures.

Thanksketching: Day 7

I am thankful for
inside/outside

the lines

coloring.

Thanksketching: Day 6

I am thankful for

coffee

in cups

with friends

old and new.

Thanksketching: Day 5

I am thankful for
late night stories,

early morning laughter,

a partner in crime,

my husband.

Thanksketching: Day 4

I am thankful for
clouds

swirling

awake

or asleep.

Thanksketching: Day 3

I am thankful for

my Christmas puppy,

fluffy and fat,

happy or sleepy,

her kisses and snuggles

and unconditional love.

Thanksketching: Day 2

'

I am thankful for

employment

among children

and colors.

Thanksketching: Day 1

I am thankful for

crunchy

falling

leaves.