Steady

It's been six years since I did a New Year's resolution. It was my first new year as a married woman, and together my husband and I vowed to brush our teeth more often. It was the silliest of promises. I had been considering it lightly until I found electric toothbrushes on clearance a few days before January 1st, and then I was sure. It was a sign. 

I had never really been enthusiastic about resolutions before that, and haven't been since. Until now.

A few days ago on Instagram I revealed my resolutions. Essentially, I want to respect the artistic gifts God has given me by honing my craft and expanding my creative universe. I'm going to buy higher quality supplies and I'm going to attempt to "sell my wares" at an art/craft show. 

I didn't hesitate. But I did overanalyze it after it was posted. Had I been too easy on myself? Shouldn't a resolution be something that takes hard work and can change your life? And then, of course, I realized that to one person it might be easy to simply buy more expensive supplies or sell products, but to me it's part of a larger challenge.

So I decided to join another bandwagon--I chose a word for my year.

It's almost ludicrous that I haven't done this in prior years. I love words so much and yet I've never taken the time to choose one to cling to for an entire 365-day-period. Perhaps it's because I love a lot of words and so choosing just one is a challenge all by itself.

But I did it. And I chose the word "steady."

It's not fancy. I could have chosen something bold and worthy of a social media following like "illuminate" or "cultivation" or "unveiled." But I don't want to be, do, or have... any of those words.

I want to be steady.

There were mountains of synonyms which also deserved some attention before I made a final decision. But when it came down to the wire, I already knew I was faithful and loyal and responsible. And I don't want to be unchanging, or immovable, or simply dependable. And I thought about choosing "steadfast" instead of "steady," but the truth is that steadfastness is something that mainly benefits other people. It doesn't necessarily benefit me or change me. 

Being steady is something I've wanted but haven't had the words for, until now. A little over two years ago I began the journey of being medicated for my anxiety and depression, and up until that point the thought of being steady wasn't even on the horizon for me. A close friend once told me, "I like the way you carry yourself. You're so steady." And it didn't feel true at the time, but it haunted me...

I might appear steady. I might "carry myself" steadily. I give the illusion that I am certain about where I'm going or what I'm doing. Other people saw me as steady and that was good for them, but it wasn't very good for me because it wasn't real for me.

I don't want to just carry myself steadily. I don't want it to just be visible to others. 

I want to feel it on the inside too!

Attaching myself to this word, this feeling, hasn't taken very much time. I'm a woman of words, and once I like a word I don't soon forget it. I chose Merriam-Webster's first definition: 

"Direct or sure in movement."

This gives me a little bit of freedom. I don't have to be immovable or unchanging. I get to continue in the parts of myself that I love, and that other people love--the fact that I adapt to new situations quickly and don't struggle too much with transitions. It also gives me a new sense of purpose, that if I do move, if I am changing, it must be intentional. I'm going to try to cast off my tendency to be reactionary or impulsive, which comes from a place of anxiety or fear. I'm going to move with certainty. With direction. I'm going to be sure.

And so there you have it. My goals for the year. My word for the year.

I can't promise to write here more often, but I'm positive I'll be back to National Poetry Month in April. Some things never change. ;)

Happy New Year, ya'll. 

Resolved

Happy New Year, world. I promise it's a good one. Or, at least, we'll find out.

As one year closes and another begins I am full of separated thoughts. First off, I dropped the ball with those Thanksgiving posts. Sorry about that? We had an odd Thanksgiving which involved someone else's car and then driving back home in the middle of the night to avoid a snowstorm. Second, I am overwhelmed with odd reflections on 2014 and also odd reflections on this whole "holiday season" in general.

Did you know it's been 15 years since Y2K? Fifteen years since that period when we stored jugs of water and canned goods in basements, and people built fallout shelters "just in case." I don't recall many details from Y2K--I was in 5th grade, after all. I remember the Christmas card I got from Ms. Trudeau (my favorite teacher, ever) and the knowledge that "Y2K" might make all the electricity go out in the entire world. Otherwise, I was happily oblivious. I wasn't afraid of the mysterious Y2K and I probably went about my Christmas break as usual by opening presents and playing outside and making some childish resolutions in January.

Ah, resolutions. As children we are taught that the New Year is a time to make these so-called resolutions, to make an alteration in the way we live. This concept is usually pushed more by teachers than parents, because those New Year resolution art projects are just so gosh darn cute. We stop learning about it around the time we become irritable/irritating teenagers. However, for at least a few years during elementary school we are persuaded to believe that every January we should find something to change about ourselves.

Yeah. That's kind of messed up.

It's not messed up because children are perfect--they are human, and therefore imperfect. It's not messed up because teachers shouldn't have the right to offer kids time for self-correction and reflection--they do, in fact, have that right, in many aspects. It's messed up because it's arbitrary, and leads us to the assumption that January 1st is prime time for changing your life, instead of changing it during some more appropriate moment.

From a teacher's perspective, it's also messed up because there is no follow-through. We give the kids this assignment, the "pick something that's wrong with you and decide to make it better" project, and maybe we talk about it for a few days. But for the remainder of the school year and into the next, no one dares mention a resolution.

And that is how kids are lead to say, "I'm going to do all of my homework before the weekend!" (not knowing that in a few years your homework will reach its deadly claws into your precious weekend.) They say, "I'll be nice to my sister." (Such a specific, reachable goal.) New Years resolutions done wrong (which is most of the time) teach kids to be idealistic and then forget their ideals, because, hey, no one is going to ask you about this for another year.

I'm not saying this because resolutions are bad. They're not! But they can be so much more than some blithe statement you make each January. Even if it's not a blithe statement--even if it's a statement you really mean--it's unlikely you'll remember it past March. People take themselves far too seriously when they make these resolutions but some reason it's inconsequential to give up the decision you made under such strain. If you make a resolution, don't take yourself too seriously, and try to be aware when you give up.

One last thought before I go. Anybody ever think about how a resolution usually signifies the end of something, and we tend to make resolutions at the beginning of the year? It's almost like saying, "Let's get started so we can get finished!" I have literally never been aware of this before.

So, my resolutions this year, which I will not take too seriously, and will probably forget half of by the end of March, are the following:

-Read more books
-Play less Tetris
-Drink more coffee
-Clean out my inbox more often (532 unread e-mails and counting...)
-Be more patient
-Smile at people
-Get more sleep at night (so, less daytime napping)
-Make more art
-Write more poems
-Sing (loudly, and often)
-Cuddle with my dog
-Love my husband (even when he buys me a box of chocolates and eats the only piece left in the box that I wanted to eat because I was saving the best for last.)
-Be introverted
-Be extroverted
-Be peaceful
-Be FEARLESS

In any case, here's a toast to the old year and the new one. This makes for an incredible life.