The Soul Who Seeks Him

The future is always unknown. As humans we would like to believe that everything our heart desires will come to us when we see fit, that the routines we develop and the lives we build will suit our whims for predictability or spontaneity. We know that the sun will rise tomorrow and the earth will make its turns and somewhere rain will fall and somewhere else it will be hot and people will be born and they will die and in general, life will just go on as it always has.

And we would like to say with complete certainty that what we want to happen will also happen. We say, "I will go to this college" and "I will marry a rich man who supports my career" and "All of my children will play the saxophone." Those are the big things we want. The big dreams, the foundations for the other things in life. We also say, "Tomorrow I will get an oil change" and "I'm going to read that new bestseller" and "I think I'll go to New York for Christmas."

We plan all these things, big and small, tedious and thrilling, the mundane and the marvelous, day in and day out because we like to think we're in control. But we're not.

You might not get into that college. You might marry a different, less-wealthy, less-supportive person. Your kids (if you have them at all) might want to play the kazoo instead, or be stand-up comedians. And you might crash your car on your way to get the oil changed, you might be too busy to read that book, and maybe your kazoo-playing children all get the flu at Christmas so you can't go to New York.

And I say all this because it's true for me as well. I make plans. I have dreams. I intend to read the books and I even buy the books and they just sit there, waiting. I buy the Groupon for a cheap oil change and forget about it. I wanted to be having kids by now. And I'm not.

As I sat in my obgyn's office this afternoon she explained how I'll probably need 6 months of therapy, and there will be regular biopsies, and that I only have a 5% chance of getting cancer at this point. She said the therapy would likely be in pill form, so there wouldn't be many visits to the doctor's office. Relief washed over me, and then I suddenly realized in a real-world kind of way that I might not be in the same state in a few months. We're waiting to hear about a job back in Washington, but back when we applied I didn't know any of this was going to happen.

When we applied in December, I didn't know I had abnormal cells of any kind, let alone pre-cancerous ones. I didn't know I would be going in for loads of bloodwork and procedures and then a surgery. I had no idea that I would need months of therapy.

I asked my doctor, "What if I'm not here?"

She laughed and said I would simply have to get a referral and continue therapy somewhere else.

I have all these decisions that I might have to make. Or might not. I don't know.

But I do know that God has a plan for all of it. It might be different than my plan, if I had a plan, which I don't. Even if I had one, his would be better. Even if I had one, his would be wiser. Even if I had one, his would be the one I would prepare for and wait for.

So that's what I'll do. I'll wait.